Losing a child isn’t easy- that is an understatement if I have ever heard one.  There are the things you expect- grief, the changes, the emptiness.  Then there are the things that throw you out of nowhere- the potholes.

Just when you think you are doing a good job of keeping up the mask of “I’m ok”- BAM- a song on the radio, a stuffed animal at the store, a certain smell and that careful façade you created to trick the world that you aren’t just survive crumbles. If you are “lucky” it happens in privacy and you can have the break down away from eyes. We aren’t always lucky though and inevitably you will have one of those breakdowns in public. THAT in and of itself brings anxiety and makes those moments even harder because we don’t want to be vulnerable

I am always “OK” but let you know a secret I am sure you will understand- “OK” really means my standard level of hell, anxiety, depression and a soul crushing sadness and emptiness. Then the potholes.  Today the road was full of them- end of school, my son going into a grade Mary never experienced for the first time, watching graduations, and then- a funeral passed me on the road.  Seeing the hearse filled my brain with the memory of putting Mary into the bag that held her body before she was loaded into her own hearse and taken to Children’s Hospital to make her final donation.

My perfectly rehearsed façade of “OK” crumbled but I had no choice- I had minutes until school pickup and had to face the public vulnerable. This vulnerableness isn’t new, but I hadn’t had to look THIS vulnerable in a long time and I didn’t know how to handle it.  I miss my daughter with every fiber of my being but that isn’t supposed to spill into the outside world like this- raw.  I was scared how people would react.  If my clearly broken-down state would startle my son. I was shaking as I pulled into school and got out of the car- full panic. Then- a friend saw me and just knew and hugged me. My son saw me and knew- and hugged me. Mary’s friend said her name.  I realized for the first time since she passed over two years ago that it is ok to have a breakdown and show the world that version of love, grief and pain.

Being vulnerable and raw is hard- but it is ok to show how you feel. This is the lesson I learned today. It is hard but losing a child is the hardest thing you will ever go through, and you deserve to not add anxiety over people’s reactions to your mourning it because in the end the people who love you and loved your child get it and are there for you.