It is no coincidence that Loss and Love both begin with L.  If you did not have Love, you would not feel the loss and right now we are feeling the loss hugely.   Today marks one year since the last whole day we had with Mary on this s earth; she passed away early in the morning on March 4, 2024.  Looking back there are things I am so thankful we did that day. I held Mary and took a nap with her- even though she was hooked up to a biPAP machine and feeding tube. We had PT show us how to move her in the hospital so it made it easier at home and we could do it at home without having to page people for when they were ready to help us.  We kept reading our Harry Potter book- I still have not been able to finish the 5^th book which we were only a couple chapters into when she passed. I have tried to read it out loud hoping she hears it in heaven but that has become too hard and I had to set it aside for awhile, hoping I come back to it one day. I did her nails for what I didn’t know would be the final time.  We played games as a family next to her and as we had done since coming home from the hospital all went to bed in the same room together, although sleep would be little.

One thing that stood out to me later that day was that her cat was constantly by her- no matter what was going on that day.  Animals have a sense about these things.  That sweet kitty stayed with her to the end and even jumped up on the bed and gave her a kiss as she was taking her last breath.  Watch the animals they know and see more than we do.  I was still in fight mode that last day- looking up every possible treatment, herb, anything that might help but the cat knew.

Today I wanted to wallow in my pain and grief but instead I forced myself to take the baby and do things Mary would have loved to. We had lunch with friends and shopped at her favorite TJ Maxx and Target.  I tried on clothes in the store for the first time without her- Max seemed to know the assignment of critiquing everything as his sister had done. I got our traditional coffee date at Ziggi’s in and ugly cried all over Max’s head as I held him looking at a pink giant bunny. Tomorrow- not sure how we will coop but we will all be together.

I share how I spent today as just an idea.  Did it help? I don’t know I guess time will tell. Find whatever way helps you through the grief- wallow if you need to, cry, scream, be with people, be alone, read, write, whatever moves you to do

Until next time- hug your kid and those you love a bit more today and Mary- love you, miss you, mean it.